Checklist v.1

When I was in college, I told myself that I will be getting one of this...

and that I will start pinning 'been there' little flags once I have visited the country. I actually thought that I will be a trekker-and that I will be hopping from one country to the other. Apparently, I have been stuck in Manila--and the reality is I have only visited a few neighboring countries (yup, no life).

I took a couple of days off from work--this was suppose to be my vacation with G; but since we had to rebook his trip---this gave me all my ME time. It ended up to be very beneficial for my well-being....

 

"ME time" included mucho reflection - I went back to memory lane. I remember how passionate and excited I was fresh out from college. I reflected on questions such as...What was my vision for myself back then? What was I passionate about? What instantly made me happy? What I would like to try? What I thought would give me fulfillment?  

It dawned to me that I haven't done much (based on my self-made standards). I was just floating. So that prompted me to make a checklist-to give me a clearer direction on what I want to do and also to remind me that there is so much more in life to experience and learn. That I should keep on growing, to be eager to learn more, to be excited and to seek challenges, to be more involved..

Checklist (version1)

1. I NEED to travel more next year. Five countries that is on my 2012 list:

• Singapore + Thailand (need to visit my bestfriend Y). Birthday next year!
• Bali (an all girls vacation before bestriend A gets hitched). Will stay in Hyatt!
• Sofia, Bulgaria (close to my heart). 
• Germany (need to visit twinny in Hameln).  Fetch me at the airport! :)

2. I NEED to learn more.

• Take up a short certification course to strengthen my credential. I'm still scouting for a school.

3. I NEED to try something new.

• Cuban Salsa (2nd time around). Think.. Havana? I tried this before with bestfriend G before he went to New York. It was fun but I was too conscious with my left and right footing which led me to FLOP. But, I'm game to try this again! I'm hoping that I can pull my good friend M so that he can be my 'salsa partner'..hihi. 
• COOK. I was thinking of taking a short course in pastry--but its a bit too taxing for me because that means I have to buy all those gadgets, oven, baking tools and the works...also, that means-I'll be surrounded with too much sweets (Ekk). Since I'm trying to take sugar out of my menu-It's obvious that this is not the best choice for me. Now, I'm thinking of Asian Cuisine (to strengthen my Asian roots)...what do you think?

4. I NEED to be involved.

• Be more involved with a NGO. I have to look for a group that has the same advocacy as mine. Something that hits close to my heart-and then I will pledge my support and be an active and productive member of it.

5. I NEED to allot MORE time in Reading and Writing. 

• I seriously want a kindle...more books!
• Blog each day -> trying to make it a habit.

A Learning Curve

G and I started talking again..
I missed him..Everything about him..
Our conversation was awkward at first but eventually our love is bringing us back together.
I forgave him.
It doesn't mean that I have forgotten what I went through last week-not this soon.
But I have decided to allow our relationship to move forward (without anger & resentment)


We come from very different backgrounds.
Different cultures. Different Upbringing.
We are not perfect.
He committed a mistake.
I call it a 'learning curve'.


I know that there was no intention to hurt me.
He acknowledged his fault and showed remorse.
In the process we are growing. We are getting to know each other better.
"Us" is getting stronger.


Loving him made me vulnerable.
The emotional heartache that I went through was a nightmare.
When I remember how broken and lost I was, I would cringe.
But time heals. Wounds fade. Love heals.


I pray for wisdom as I move forward with G.
I pray for guidance.
And I thank God because I know how to love...and I love deeply.

Faith - Trust - Hope - Compassion - Love - Kindness - Courage

God's Perfect Choice

Faith
I haven't been attending the Sunday mass regularly & I don't agree on some arguments of the Church...But I do have faith. 
I know that God loves me and that God forgives.
I know that God smiles when I am happy and God worries when I am sad.
I grew up picturing God like a father-like the Father of the universe.
And like a child, I had my share of rebellion, bratty and unreasonable days. 
There were also days when I felt like my situation was a 'dead end'--and like a father, He gave me the assurance that everything will be alright. He reminded me to have faith. 
There is still much to know about my God. I still need to trust Him more.
I know the bible and I have memorized a Psalm by heart.
During my dark moments, I would run to Him.
During my happy times-I would whisper a prayer of gratitude.
I feel a bond with Him-I feel that He is just like my dad, He will always be there.


The past few days tore me apart. 
Mixed emotions of fear, pain, confusion and hurt crowded my mind and heart.
And when it got sooo suffocating, I saw myself running to the nearest chapel..
I cried my heartaches out.
In between sniffles-I prayed for strength. 
In between sniffles-I thanked Him for being His child.
In between sniffles-I had my right hand on my heart and asked for healing.
And with God's grace, when I stepped out of the chapel, I felt 'lighter'... I had that feeling that somehow..."in time..the reason for this will reveal itself.." And so, I asked for patience.


My good friend R shared this letter to me.
It's about "God's Perfect Choice" (GPC).
And when I read it-it brought tears to my eyes.
I'm still trying to understand the concept of GPC--but there were lines that spoke to me-like it was for me. 
I'm sharing this with everyone incase you might need this too.
I am constantly reflecting on this..It strengthens my faith. I have to trust Him more.
*I highlighted the lines that hit me most.

God's Perfect Choice

Everyone loves to give himself to someone;

to have a deep soul relationship with another;

to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God says: "No, not yet, not until you are

satisfied, fulfilled and contented

with being loved by Me alone;

with giving yourself totally to Me;

to have an intensely, personal and unique

relationship with Me alone.

I love you My child, and until you discover

that only through Me your satisfaction will be found,

you will not be capable of the perfect 

human relationship that I planned for you.

You will never be united with Me exclusive

of anyone for anything else...

exclusive of desires and longings.

I want you to stop wishing; to stop planning;

and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan

ever existing... one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best.

Please allow me to bring it you.

Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.

Keep experiencing that satisfaction

knowing that I can give all.

Keep listening, and learing the things I tell you.

You just wait. Don't be anxious. Don't worry.

Don't keep looking off and away from Me...

or you'll miss what I want to show you.

I want to see in flesh a picture of your relationship 

with Me and to enjoy materially and concretely 

the everlasting union of beauty, perfection

and love I offer you Myself.

And then...when you are ready

I'll surprise you with a love far more exciting

than any of you could dream of, you'll see

Understand that until you are ready,

and the one I have for you are ready,

I am working even to this minute to have

both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusive of Me

and thus...perfect love and dear one

I want you to have this most wonderful love

knowing that I love you utterly."

Sing With Me..

Youtube-ing my emotions..

After A While

My heart is in so much pain.

I'm taking one day at a time.

Still stuck in Manila.

Still NO effin passport.

I'm trying to see things as what it is.

But the Mind vs Heart crap is clouding my judgment.

It's not easy.

Anyway, I pray for a brighter day. I pray for guidance and I pray for wisdom.

My good friend R shared this to me. It instantly brought me to tears.

I thought of sharing this to everyone..

After A While

Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and sharing a life

and you learn that love doesn't mean possession

and company doesn't mean security

and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open

with the grace of a woman

not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today

as the future has a way of falling apart in mid flight.

Because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans,

yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path

toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even the sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and nourish your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love,

always has joys and sorrows,

seems ever present, yet is never quite the same,

becoming more than love and less than love

so difficult to define.

And you learn that through it all

you really can endure

that you really are strong

that you do have value

and you learn and grow

with every good bye

you learn

My November List

Whenever I feel awful inside, I have to make sure that I look good outside.

I also make myself busy by doing stuff for myself.

Superficial as it may sound, it helps me.

And so my plans this November are:

1. Belo Glycopeel twice a month (super effective and their therapists are really trained).

2. Belo Treatment kit (I had a consultation with Dra. Sheila-and she prescribed the contents of the kit-super effective).

3. 2nd session of Laser Light Hair Removal (worth the investment).

4. 2nd shot of Cervarix Cervical Cancer Vaccine (its painful but is important).

5. Contact Lens (I really like the brand Fresh Look because it blends well-you wont look like an alien).

6. Go back to the gym and work my ass off (literally and figuratively).

7. Start studying for my new role.

8. Singapore Visit (puhlease passport, puhlease Foreign Affairs.. be nice to me!)

9. Pray more (I forgot to pray-and so I need to find my way back...)

10. Attend careshops again and start with affirmation that I am worthy to be loved.

My Coffee Stained Effin Passport

Reactive: Reactive thinking is crisis-based thinking, coming up with solutions after problems develop. Reactive thinking responds to the situation. A reactive thinker often spends too much of his time fighting fires. A reactive thinker is easily blindsided by circumstances. A crisis-driven reactive thinker may be more prone to feeling stress. (Read more: Define Proactive Vs. Reactive Thinking | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_6642468_define-proactive-vs_-reactive-thinking.html#ixzz1cYDwlzZ5)

I hate being reactive.
If I fixed my passport months ago, I would have been in Singapore now.
But no no no.. procrastination got the better of me.
And now I am stuck in Manila. (hate it).


I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions right now.
I need my bestfriend Y to talk to me through this.
I need a distraction from my thoughts.
I need to do stuff and be productive so that I'll stop analyzing things.
I need to prepare myself.
Until the day G decides to talk to me again.


For now, my escape plans went short because of my passport.
Starbucks Coffee got spilled and ruined my not-yet-expired passport.
Hence, I have to go through a renewal tedious process to have it fixed which takes time..which makes me insane..which is why Im forced to just stay here in Manila.


I'm
Coping.
Reflecting.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Deciding.


Lesson learned: Passport is essential for quickie escapes.
And so for now, while I let time pass by-I need to 'organize' my self.
And be a better me (in all aspects).