“ Although many people today may equate self-esteem with self-indulgence, genuine self-love begins with the recognition that each of us is God’s handiwork. To love oneself is to express love for God, the Creator. What’s more, you cannot be a gift to others unless you nurture your own spiritual, psychological and physical well-being.” — Cherry Hartman
I was an emotional-wreck last year. It was a heavy-time for me. I felt so suffocated with worries and my mind was overwhelmed with daily struggles. I felt so tired. My body, my mind and my heart were exhausted but I had no choice but to go on. I had to keep on moving; It just went on and on and on. I felt like a mouse running and running on a wheel.
I was literally falling apart.
- I was ending a 6 year relationship with my Ex last year-a decision that was obviously easy for everyone around me but left me 'broken' and clueless. I was with the guy for 6 years and he was my "+1" in everything and everywhere-I suddenly felt clueless on how to be on my own and how to pick up the pieces. It was an easy decision because I was better off on my own (I know that) but after 6 years---being 'single' was very foreign for me. I had to find myself again.
- My Labrador puppy-Alexie passed away (sister of Kimmie-Lou). She left me with a broken and guilty heart. Even after numerous visits to the doctor; litte Alexie wasn't able to make it. I was stuck thinking that I should have known better. I was guilty because I didn't do more research and I didn't get another doctor for a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Until now, the thought of her-my yellow puppy can instantly make me cry. (Rainbow bridge Alexie).
- My heart was still coping with Alexie when Piggy suddenly got very sick. She was sick for 2 months. I was the primary caretaker (She was on IV for a month and that went with me being awake every 2 hours to check on her IV. Early morning-rush to the VET clinic. Daily prayers. I drove to/fro the clinic at any given time of the day/night. I was tired and I was emotionally drained.
- Boar and Kimmie had to be relocated while Piggy was fighting for her life (which she won! Thank God!); Boar had to stay in a PetHotel which cost me a lot (Boar was too big, my friends can't manage an off-leash 100pound dog in their homes). Kimmie had to stay in my Ex' place. I had to visit Kimmie-every other day (drove to antipolo from sucat every other day. Imagine that.) and Boar.
- I was pressured with work and I had to bring in more revenue to the company. My employment depends on it.
- I was managing my responsibilities at home. Managing financial stuff too.
- My brother was about to get married and there were preparations and gatherings that I needed to be involved with.
- My barkada and I had a falling-out. I was at my worst during my relationship with my Ex and I guess they were also facing difficult times. They were tampo (disappointed/ cold) at me for my shortcomings and how insensitive I was with them. Sigh. This was one of my lonliest time. I really felt alone and empty.
All of these were happening last year. I was literally a walking zombie. A zombie with teary eyes. I felt numb like a robot-doing what I had to do each day-but I was crying deep inside.
One day my boss asked me for some updates regarding my work.
I went on sharing my work schedule. Then he asked me "How are you?".
Just like that, I found myself crying buckets of tears. I lost my control.
With all the crap that I was going through; nobody asked about me, 'How I was doing'.
My boss eventually told me about this careshop program called, "Reparenting The Child Within". He suggested that I join this 2 1/2 day program because I might find value in it and it might help me. So, with an open heart and mind, and with nothing to lose-I agreed.
I've been to numerous workshops/seminars/retreats.. but this has been one of the best. Maybe because I had it at a time when I needed it the most. Maybe because I was really that 'wounded' and I felt alone so it was effective. Maybe because I went there on my own with an open heart and mind-I just focused on myself. Maybe because I would have been grateful to any kind of comfort during that time. I dont' know why it worked for me. But it did.
The workshop helped me a lot. The program consisted of lectures, meditation, triad/group sharing, and self-awareness activities. I didn't find the process intrusive. It just felt right.
Personal Highlights...
- It reminded me to focus and to take care of myself. That I am responsible of my inner-child.
- That self-affirmations work. I need to affirm myself everyday to get rid of my fears and self-made limitations. I am affirming that "I am beautiful, I am brave, and that I love myself.
- I found 3 good friends that I call my 'rehab friends'. We all went there with our own definition of being 'broken', we know that each one is going through the same healing process. The program created a good bond among the 4 of us.
- That I am complete. That I am beautiful, brave and that I love myself. I am not dependent on anyone telling me this. I don't need anyone to affirm my worth. I realized that this is partly one of the reasons why I held on to my past relationship. I felt that my worth depended on him so I kept on giving and giving and giving until nothing was left for me. I craved for affirmation and appreciation (which is rooted on my childhood issues.) This is still one of my issues that I'm working on. I need to continuously check on myself and process my 'fears'...
I don't want to tell much about the program content because I might not be able to give the exact information. So everything here is based on how I experienced it.
The program introduces the concept of Inner Child (That each one of us has a wounded inner child). That we can give our inner child the love, the acceptance, the validation—whatever it is that she wanted and never experienced as a child—ourselves. We can reconnect with her. We can learn to care for her. We can re-parent her ourselves. In doing so we begin to heal our wounds and to encourage our inner child to re-emerge in the fullness of her spontaneity and wonder and love.
As a child, we went through situations/experiences that led us to feel strong emotions (fear, trauma, hatred, shame, abuse..) but during that time-we were too young to process those emotions so it got stuck in us. Now that we are older, those "unprocessed" emotions are manifested by our negative behaviors. So the process suggests that its time to go back and rekindle those issues , process these emotions, let go and hopefully start the healing process.
It was the process that made me aware of my hidden issues. I was in my Toddler Stage.
I grew up treating this story lightly. I was abducted by a lone carpenter and placed in a rice sack when I was 2 years old. To make the story short, Thank God the abductor let go of me (let go of the rice sack) in the middle of the street when the village guards were notified. Nothing extremely bad happened (THANK GOD), since the abductor let go of the sack and jumped over the village wall to escape. I am blessed to be safe.
Going through the process, I identified that my major negative behaviors revolved around 'anger, control and trust. I was quick to anger, I needed to be in control and I had trust-issues.
- Trust Issues- One indicator of this was I never learned how to swim because I never trusted instructors or people I don't know. Activities that needed a 3rd person to rely on was difficult for me. I grew up trusting on myself. I also never slept on my own (prior the workshop- I was 27 years old and I slept in my mom and dad's room.). I will only sleep in my own room if my big dogs are under my bed-because that made me feel safe. I find it difficult to sleep-to close my eyes without the assurance that somebody (or my dog) is nearby to look after me while I'm 'defenseless'.
- I needed to be in control most of the times. I panic if a taxi driver would use a different route; I was also uncomfortable when I was not sure of road directions. I needed to be sure where I was going (the exact left, right, left right directions). I can't easily let go of my control.
- I was quick to anger. There was this heavy feeling that would snap out if something/someone made me upset.
These manifestations circled around my toddler stage. During the toddler stage, most children learn to walk, talk, solve problems, relate to others, and more. One major task for the toddler is to learn to be independent. That is why toddlers want to do things for themselves, have their own ideas about how things should happen, and use "no" many times each day.
I was abducted when I was 2 years old. That fell to my 'toddler stage' where one learns how to be independent and seek control. I lost control. I am sure that I was very uspet and was crying the whole time and I am sure that I trusted my nanny/parents to look after me but they failed.
So I carried these emotions and because of the process- I realized how it has been affecting my life. There were activities during the program that helped me to let go of these emotions and to start 'healing' my inner-child.
Right after the program-for the first time, I was able to sleep in my own room with lights off. (How I did it? I don't know. Trust the process with an open heart and open mind.). I am not easily upset; I am also learning to trust more and to lessen my control.
I am discovering new issues while I am still in my 'healing process' but I can say that I am in a lighter disposition now.. a more confident and happier ME.
I have always spoken highly about this program because it has worked for me; I think it also depends on how 'open' and receptive you are to the process of self-care and awareness.
I'm sending everyone a virtual hug and loving energy to make YOU (everyone)
feel how beautiful and love-worthy YOU truly are!
Smile at yourself and at someone else you love.
God is good! Life is exciting!
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